Checkpoint Charlie

If you ever get a chance to visit Berlin, the one thing you should go see is the Checkpoint Charlie museum. A bizarre piece of cold-war history, the museum is located in downtown Berlin, precisely at the famous location where cold-war spies were exchanged and American and Soviet soldiers stared each other down at a border as arbitrarily drawn as a pedestrian cross-walk on a metropolitan street. The exhibits on the inside are even more intriguing. Besides documenting cold-war life in Berlin, the museum houses a collection of escape-related items that would make Wile E. Coyote and his use of ACME devices appear conventional. Everything from modified Ladas (with false compartments) to mini powered submarines are displayed showing the tenacious inventiveness of those trying to cross the iron curtain.

But I digress.

In my usual tradition for straining metaphors, I would like to discuss the Checkpoint Charlie’s in our lives -- the post-break up rendezvous points that symbolize the cold-war between former romantic partners, the place where we do the final exchange of the practical things we left at each other’s places over the course of the relationship.

We’ve all had our Checkpoint Charlies. Sometimes it is a physical no-man’s land between respective apartments. Ironically, Minto Park in Ottawa, I’ve used on two occasions as my Checkpoint Charlie. I bet I’m not the only one. There is something about that park that makes it conducive for cold-war exchanges. Maybe it’s that monument to women – the most hyperbolic example of a relationship failure between the sexes.

The key thing to observe about Checkpoint Charlie situations is the bag that your goods show up in. Obviously, the rattier looking the bag, the bitterer the partner is about the situation. Feel happy if the bag is no better than LCBO quality. One should never expect anything more than that. Anything better means he doesn’t want to break up and is trying to woo you back. On the other hand, if she turns up with no bag at all, and just an armful of deodorants, toothbrushes, and keys, my advice would be to take cover as you may be about to get a volley of incoming debris. Also take note of what gets returned. I’ve heard of stories where, in addition to the usual stuff, all gifts exchanged over the courtship had been returned as well. I think if there is an engagement ring involved, fine, return it. Anything else rings bitter. If your former partner has returned things that are clearly meant for the trash you may want to get some witness protection. I once received a half-eaten peach in my Checkpoint Charlie loot bag. Supposedly, it was mine but I still felt it was time to change the locks on my place.

If not a physical place, the moment of exchange of the items can define Checkpoint Charlie. It may be defined as in that bag of bathroom stuff that each of you have at each other’s place that mysteriously shows up hanging on your respective doorknobs some early morning weeks after the break-up. Perhaps that sweater you left at her apartment several months ago shows up in a parcel at the post office.

One of the problems with Checkpoint Charlie, it often gets treated as a negotiation platform. My advice would be to keep the talk to the simple and practical. Don’t hash out why the relationship isn’t working. Don’t look for reconciliation. They didn’t ask this of the U2 pilots on the East Berlin bridges and neither should you.

I’ve tended to avoid the in-person Checkpoint Charlie situations altogether for the reasons explained above. They never seem to work out and usually end up fraught with unnecessary tension or downright anger – particularly if one party is having trouble finding closure. However, we need to embrace Checkpoint Charlie for what it is. As with our cold-warrior predecessors, Checkpoint Charlie was the protocol and diplomacy required to keep us from nuking each other. It allowed us to manage and get on with our divergent paths. It required a certain respect and decorum. Besides, it’s more satisfying than buying an ACME Universal Relationship Terminator only to read in the fine print that it’s not effective on that Road Runner you’ve been dating for the last year.