Tuesday, September 27, 2005

What’s Your Hang-up?



Basically, there are only eight hang-ups couples (both intimate and platonic) have. Specifically, such hang-ups are determined by two key factors: the degree of sexual intimacy between the pair and the frequency of time spent together.



Let’s look at the details:

1. I wonder where this thing is headed?

Where many relationships start – the low intimacy, low frequency friendship. Maybe nothing happens out of it. Maybe you’ll both be very mature and embrace its platonic nature. Maybe, someday, you’ll drive a convertible through the Milky Way. Sure, it could happen. More likely, one of you will ask the above question.

2. I want to be more than just friends

Okay, so you hang out 4 times a week and you’re just friends? Right. By this point friends have already figured out that one of you has a serious crush on the other, and they probably know exactly which one. The sad part is that if this was mutual, you’d have moved up the chart and not across. Instead, one of you will say the above sentence at some point, where in all likelihood you’ll be sent with your broken heart back home.

3. It goes no further until I get some serious commitment

If you want sex, Buddy, you’re going to have to make more time for me. I know in the past I surrendered my body without so much as getting a name or phone number, but not anymore. I’ve changed. I’m taking charge of my life, even if that means pretending to be busy all week, when in fact I’m staying home, alone, watching the movie of the week on the “W” channel wondering why I feel like a martyr.

4. I can’t wait till you graduate from 9th grade

We’ve been seeing each other three times a week and we’ve only gone as far as second base? Oh, wait a minute. We’re in the same social studies class. And you live with your parents. At least I hope those are the facts. If not, this thing is either going nowhere, or I can’t wait till you graduate from 9th grade.

5. Oral sex is not necessarily sex

Hey, that’s what the President said, and that’s good enough for me. Besides, if we haven’t had intercourse, I can remain emotionally grounded about the two of us. Other than the fact that I think I’ve developed some kind of repetitive stress injury with my jaw, I’ve saved a bundle on contraception.

6. Am I just your booty call?

Not at all, Baby. I’m just busy, you know, with stuff. And I promise, you’ll meet my friends someday. They’re busy too. You got anything to eat in your fridge? Oh, you want my new phone number? I keep forgetting it. Wait a minute, it’s 555-…

7. Are you seeing someone else?

Just because you have never seen your bed buddy on any two consecutive days doesn’t mean he or she is living a double life. It could be work related. And don’t be suspicious about the cryptic phone conversations they seem to have in your presence. It could be work related. And pay no attention to that new hottie that recently joined your partner’s firm. Oh god, it is work related.

8. Why don’t we live together?

So we see each other 4 times a week and have a great sex life. You’ve got your tony apartment close to the downtown and I’m fifteen minutes away in my rent controlled loft. We enjoy each other’s friends and family. Neither of us wants to have kids. Both our careers are demanding, yet enjoyable. It’s about time we wreck a good thing!

3 Comments:

At 9/28/2005, Anonymous lost at sea said...

I'm confused.

1. the "degree of sexual activity" axis:

Does it correspond to the baseball code?

I don't know that there's been a definitive ruling on whether oral sex is third base or home.

2. Aren't there "hangups" that are not on the grid?

Like couples who practice coitus but not oral sex, even though one partner would like it.

What about non-shared kinks?

What about he's got a house in Orleans, she's got an apartment in the Glebe and neither wants to move?

Or long-distance relationships?

Or he's a mooching bum and she'd like someone who actually supported her once in a while?

3. Other explanations for Grid Points:

Couldn't "It goes no further until I get some serious commitment" also be

- "I need to break up with someone else before this goes further", or

- "I need to be with you a few times or we're going to have an erectile disfunction issue."

Just asking.

 
At 9/29/2005, Blogger The Chair said...

Dear confused LAS:

1. the "degree of sexual activity" axis:

The baseball analogy has it’s variants but I subscribe to the one found here.


2. Aren't there "hangups" that are not on the grid?

Absolutely not. Everything is on the grid. Ask Dr. Phil or any other highly qualified professional in the field of mass-consumption therapeutics. If any relationship dysfunction can’t be simply charted, it is not worth understanding or solving. Let’s take your supposed “off-grid” examples:

Like couples who practice coitus but not oral sex, even though one partner would like it. Clearly a variant of “I can’t wait till you graduate from 9th grade”. Though, in this case, someone wants to go back to 3rd base for some remedial studies.

What about non-shared kinks?
See below (except substitute the word “kink” for “postal code”).

What about he's got a house in Orleans, she's got an apartment in the Glebe and neither wants to move?
This example fails from the start since they are breaking the number one rule of dating: don’t date too far outside your zip-code (postal code for Canadians). In Canada, you really should share the first three digits of your postal code with your dating partner.

Or long-distance relationships?
I assume you mean different cities, countries, planets? One doesn’t have to know all the world’s postal codes to see this error in judgment. What were you thinking?

Or he's a mooching bum and she'd like someone who actually supported her once in a while?
I think this is the variant of “Am I just your booty call?” but re-phrased, as “I am just your booty call.” Let’s face it, how can a guy get away with being a mooching bum without some other redeeming feature to keep his woman’s interest.

3. Other explanations for Grid Points:

It goes no further until I get some serious commitment. This could be the conversation between the man and his penis. I’ll give you that one as it relates to the ED problem.

 
At 9/29/2005, Anonymous lost at sea said...

Okay, so anyone who is dating inter-regionally is excluded from the grid.

Check.

And Oral Sex = Third Base.

This clears up many issues for me.

If a couple is on home base without having had oral sex, are they liable to get tagged out for having skipped third?

Is there anything beyond home base to reflect a healthy appetite for experimenting perhaps? It could be called "Endorsement Contract". Or is the scale simply recalibrated so that home base is whatever the individual considers to the be the ultimate sexual practice?

As for your response on the mooching bum, in my experience, the mooching bum usually displays some sort of artistic penchant that makes the other party swoon. This allows the bum to be in a higher frequency category than the "booty call" hangup.

 

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