What’s Your Hang-up?

Basically, there are only eight hang-ups couples (both intimate and platonic) have. Specifically, such hang-ups are determined by two key factors: the degree of sexual intimacy between the pair and the frequency of time spent together.



Let’s look at the details:

1. I wonder where this thing is headed?

Where many relationships start – the low intimacy, low frequency friendship. Maybe nothing happens out of it. Maybe you’ll both be very mature and embrace its platonic nature. Maybe, someday, you’ll drive a convertible through the Milky Way. Sure, it could happen. More likely, one of you will ask the above question.

2. I want to be more than just friends

Okay, so you hang out 4 times a week and you’re just friends? Right. By this point friends have already figured out that one of you has a serious crush on the other, and they probably know exactly which one. The sad part is that if this was mutual, you’d have moved up the chart and not across. Instead, one of you will say the above sentence at some point, where in all likelihood you’ll be sent with your broken heart back home.

3. It goes no further until I get some serious commitment

If you want sex, Buddy, you’re going to have to make more time for me. I know in the past I surrendered my body without so much as getting a name or phone number, but not anymore. I’ve changed. I’m taking charge of my life, even if that means pretending to be busy all week, when in fact I’m staying home, alone, watching the movie of the week on the “W” channel wondering why I feel like a martyr.

4. I can’t wait till you graduate from 9th grade

We’ve been seeing each other three times a week and we’ve only gone as far as second base? Oh, wait a minute. We’re in the same social studies class. And you live with your parents. At least I hope those are the facts. If not, this thing is either going nowhere, or I can’t wait till you graduate from 9th grade.

5. Oral sex is not necessarily sex

Hey, that’s what the President said, and that’s good enough for me. Besides, if we haven’t had intercourse, I can remain emotionally grounded about the two of us. Other than the fact that I think I’ve developed some kind of repetitive stress injury with my jaw, I’ve saved a bundle on contraception.

6. Am I just your booty call?

Not at all, Baby. I’m just busy, you know, with stuff. And I promise, you’ll meet my friends someday. They’re busy too. You got anything to eat in your fridge? Oh, you want my new phone number? I keep forgetting it. Wait a minute, it’s 555-…

7. Are you seeing someone else?

Just because you have never seen your bed buddy on any two consecutive days doesn’t mean he or she is living a double life. It could be work related. And don’t be suspicious about the cryptic phone conversations they seem to have in your presence. It could be work related. And pay no attention to that new hottie that recently joined your partner’s firm. Oh god, it is work related.

8. Why don’t we live together?

So we see each other 4 times a week and have a great sex life. You’ve got your tony apartment close to the downtown and I’m fifteen minutes away in my rent controlled loft. We enjoy each other’s friends and family. Neither of us wants to have kids. Both our careers are demanding, yet enjoyable. It’s about time we wreck a good thing!